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Why Alienating Someone Until They “Fix Themselves” is Wrong

by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH 

I met a woman a few years ago who told me she wouldn't talk to anyone until they fixed their problems. Interestingly, this woman was very social and had a lot of her own problems. In today’s world, it can be tempting to give someone space—or even isolate them—when they’re going through difficult times. The common belief is that by stepping back, we’re allowing them time to “work on themselves” or “fix their issues.” But while the intention might be to encourage self-growth, alienating someone can often lead to more harm than good. In truth, social connectedness and support from others are essential elements for overcoming life’s challenges. 



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I have often felt alienated and isolated myself. When I had to start my life over several times, only one or two people would be there. I spent my first few months in Idaho with no one to comfort me or even help me in my time of need. I had to rely on the kindness of strangers.  Had someone helped me, I would have learned of all the resources available. Instead, I was forced to find them for myself. Moreover, I was asked to help other people. Like the archetypal wounded healer, I had to give to others while I lay bleeding. 


The Myth of Self-Fixing Isolation


When someone is struggling, your instinct might be to step back, hoping that time and isolation will drive them to take the necessary steps to overcome their difficulties. This behavior does not help someone overcome their difficulties. It creates more obstacles and hinders growth. This false belief can perpetuate feelings of loneliness, shame, and inadequacy. Mental health research has shown that isolating individuals from their support networks often exacerbates stress, anxiety, and depression rather than helping. I was experiencing the symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Being made to be alone triggered other feelings of isolation in my life. What I needed, and what others need,  during times of struggle is support, not abandonment. I would go weeks without anyone even touching me, eating a meal with me, or even hugging me. 


The notion of isolation as a solution also assumes that I could somehow miraculously pull myself out of challenging situations without assistance. That I didn't deserve anyone to help me, or that I somehow deserved to be alone. But in reality, I am a human being, and human beings are social creatures. We naturally thrive in community settings where we feel understood and supported. 

The miracle is that I was able to keep going despite being socially isolated repeatedly and used to help other people with their problems. Dealing with PTSD and my prior trauma was isolating enough on its own. It is so disrespectful and discourteous for people to only want to talk to you about all of your problems or to pry and prod at you just so they can justify alienating you. Removing social support often worsens the situation, depriving people of the help they might need most.


The Science of Social Connection


Studies consistently show that social connection is one of the most crucial components of mental and physical well-being. When we experience meaningful connections with others, our brains release oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin—chemicals that promote happiness and lower stress. In fact, hugging someone for two minutes can significantly improve their mood. When my dog barks a lot, I even hug her. I am so grateful for my dog, because having her close makes me feel better. A boost in positive emotions from something so simple as a hug can give people the motivation and energy to make healthier choices, set goals, and work toward self-improvement. 


Social support also increases resilience. I have no idea how I am resilient sometimes. In times of crisis, having others to lean on helps us feel stronger and more capable of handling adversity. Connection with others can reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation, which are often barriers to personal growth and healing. Alienating someone is like a bad parent who tells a child to go to their room every time the child cries, rather than offering comfort, caring, and support. 


The Role of Social Support in Overcoming Obstacles


Life throws us all challenges, but facing them alone can make obstacles seem insurmountable. One thing I don't tell people is that the first several months I lived in Idaho, I sat in my apartment and cried every day. I would work online, but I would also cry. Then, every two hours, I would dry my eyes, and go out and walk my dog. I kept thinking I was in a nightmare, and I was going to wake up from it. That somehow someone would miraculously show up and be there for me. I needed a social support network to provide me with emotional, practical, and even financial resources. Some people were there in small ways, offering me lunch, inviting me to church, showing me around town, helping me to buy a laptop, and even giving me a Christmas gift card so I could buy a television so I would have “something to watch” at home.   Then, they got tired of caring because I wasn't "getting my life together" fast enough for them. I wasn't doing enough. Maybe they thought I wasn't trying. 

The truth is that I needed a better social support system because struggling on your own every day is hard. I can't tell you how many times I looked at the corner and wished I could sit there and cry. But, I had to do life by myself because no one was there. I sat home and cried because no one was there. As F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote in Tender Is the Night, "People living alone get used to loneliness." Making someone be alone also becomes an excuse for why the person is dubbed a misfit or alienated from a group. Being included provides us all with:


1. Emotional Validation: Knowing someone "feels your pain" makes a big difference. When we feel heard and validated, it reduces feelings of shame. Maybe the person we are talking to has been through it, too. Instead of being told "there is something wrong with you just talk to a therapist," we feel that we aren't so alone in the world and in how we feel. 


2. Accountability: Social connections keep us accountable. When someone is truly struggling, that accountability can be as simple as making sure they get out of bed every day. Making sure they are providing for their basic needs. Making sure they are meeting daily goals. Making sure they find ways to enjoy life. Telling someone to just be grateful for the blue sky and the trees is not helpful. 


3. Practical Assistance:  I received practical help from friends, family, my church, and other resources I sought out. However, it shouldn't have been that hard. Because of all the time I spent trying to help myself, I now have amassed a list of valuable resources. Resources that could have been provided to me right away. For example, some organizations provide furniture either free or at low cost to individuals in need. My couch for six months was a plastic outdoor bench I had purchased at a thrift store. This practical help could have removed obstacles that seemed insurmountable when I started over with next to nothing.

I tell myself that it's okay, it will work out. However, research shows that what I am doing is nothing short of a miracle. What I fear, though, is that because I can do this, people think their misconceptions are accurate. Just leave her alone until her life is better. The truth is, the things I have been doing alone, take people decades to accomplish. But, I am used to going it alone. It's a habit. It's about survival. To me, every person should feel like they are doing more than just surviving on this planet every day.

4. Problem-Solving Perspectives: Sometimes, we’re so close to our own problems that we struggle to see solutions. One of the things about having PTSD is that it confuses my thinking. Past traumas muddled my thinking, and I have to really work through negative words spoken over me. As human beings, though, even in our best moments, we can be irrational or have a skewed perspective. Bouncing our ideas and thoughts off others can offer fresh perspectives, encourage creative problem-solving, and introduce new strategies. Sometimes, a listening ear is all we need. 


Why We Shouldn’t Alienate Those in Need


When you alienate someone who’s struggling, you are essentially sending a message that they are only worthy of your time and attention when they are at their best. This can reinforce feelings of unworthiness and make them feel like no one cares about them and like they are unloved.  It makes it harder for people to believe they deserve support and makes them less likely to reach out for support when they do have problems. Instead, they learn that no one is there for them and not to expect it. They especially learn not to trust and not to feel loved.  I want to encourage compassionate, non-judgmental support that allows people to feel valued even when they are struggling. That's what I need. That's what everyone needs. 

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