When Family Offers Criticism Instead of Support During the Holidays

 

Photo by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

The holidays are often seen as a time for togetherness and support—a season where family steps in to lift one another up, especially when life feels heavy. But what happens when reaching out for help is met with judgment instead of compassion?

This holiday season, I reached out to family, hoping for a little support during a challenging time. What I got instead were controlling remarks, unsolicited advice, and excuses about why they couldn’t or wouldn’t help.

What stung the most wasn’t just their refusal to help, but the way they framed it. “You should focus on helping yourself before trying to help others,” they said, as if my life’s purpose and the way I navigate challenges are somehow invalid. Ironically, these same family members—who’ve never offered meaningful help in the past—seemed to think they had the right to critique my choices, despite having their own share of questionable decisions.

And then there were my nieces, who, for reasons I still can’t quite grasp, felt it appropriate to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do with my life. They spoke as if my years of experience, the struggles I’ve overcome, and the wisdom I’ve earned don’t count. It’s hard to take advice from someone who hasn’t walked in your shoes, let alone someone who hasn’t yet figured out how to tie their own.

When the Holidays Magnify Family Dynamics

The holidays have a way of magnifying family dynamics. For some, it’s a beautiful thing. For others, like me, it shines an uncomfortable spotlight on the cracks in those relationships.

For years, I’ve navigated my life with strength and resilience, building from scratch what many people couldn’t imagine. I’ve survived hardships, rebuilt myself from the ground up, and created a life that reflects my values. But in the eyes of certain family members, it seems I’ll never measure up.

Instead of seeing the person I’ve become—a person who’s overcome abuse, homelessness, and adversity—they see someone to control. They frame their unsolicited advice as “help,” but their words are drenched in judgment, as if my choices are always wrong.

The Pain of Being Dismissed

What makes this even harder is the dismissiveness. When I reached out, I wasn’t asking for miracles. I wasn’t asking for them to solve all my problems. I was asking for support, for understanding, for a little bit of grace.

But instead of offering those things, they gave me lectures. Instead of stepping up to help, they told me all the reasons they couldn’t. And instead of acknowledging my struggles, they invalidated them.

It’s painful when family—those who are supposed to be your safe harbor—make you feel like you’re not worth helping or that your needs are an inconvenience.

How I’m Choosing to Move Forward

This holiday season, I’m reminding myself of an important truth: I am not defined by their judgment or their inability to show up.

Here’s how I’m navigating these dynamics:

1. Focusing on My Strengths:
   Their critiques don’t erase what I’ve accomplished. I know my life story. I know the mountains I’ve climbed and the storms I’ve weathered. Their inability to recognize that doesn’t make it any less real.

2. Setting Firm Boundaries:
   When family crosses the line, I’m learning to say, “Thank you for your input, but I trust my judgment.” I won’t let their words linger in my mind or dictate how I live.

3. Finding Support Elsewhere:
   Sometimes, family isn’t the support system we need. This year, I’m leaning into friends, my community, and my own inner resilience.

4. Letting Go of Control (Theirs and Mine):
   I can’t change their behavior, but I can choose how I respond. I’m choosing peace over frustration, gratitude over resentment, and self-validation over seeking their approval.

Redefining the Holidays

For me, this holiday season isn’t about who didn’t show up or what they said. It’s about reclaiming joy in my way. It’s about creating new traditions, building a circle of support that uplifts rather than tears down, and giving myself the grace my family couldn’t offer.

To anyone else feeling judged, dismissed, or unsupported by family this season: You are enough. Your experiences, choices, and strength matter, even if others fail to see it.

Remember, the holidays are about more than tradition—they’re about finding warmth, love, and connection wherever you can, even if that starts with yourself.