Self-Respect Is Variable

 by Jeanette R. Harrison, MPH

I was talking to someone the other day, and I was relaying to them how I had been mentally abused. The person responded that I "don't have any self-respect" because I "allowed it." Let's break this statement down a little bit. Abuse is about the behavior of the abuser. It is never okay to victim-blame or to say that being mistreated is the target's fault. Second, telling someone they don't have any self-respect is a form of bullying, especially when it is meant to demean or belittle them. Comments such as these directly attack an individual's self-esteem and self-worth.

That brings me to my next point, what exactly is self-respect? Self-respect often gets bundled and confused with self-esteem and self-worth. According to the American Psychological Association, self-respect is comprised of components of self-esteem and self-worth. Blanket statements like "you don't have any self-respect" chip away at an individual's self-esteem. Bullying statements are generally used to exert power and control over another person. That can affect someone's self-worth because the individual starts to think they are "less than" or damaged in some way.

No makeup, early morning photo.

As we continue to examine self-respect, let's pause and examine self-esteem and self-worth. The American Psychological Association states that self-esteem "reflects a person’s physical self-image, view of their accomplishments and capabilities, and values and perceived success in living up to them, as well as the ways in which others view and respond to that person." 

Positive self-esteem comes from emotional and positive feedback from parents, peers, teachers, and friends. Self-esteem comes from celebrating accomplishments no matter how big or small. For example, celebrating a writer when their book comes out whether it is on the New York Times Best Seller list or on the Amazon Best Seller list. Letting someone make mistakes or have problems in life also teaches them to have positive self-esteem. Saying things like "your whole life is a mess" or "you are a loser" every time something goes wrong does not. Also, being present and offering support when someone is struggling encourages positive self-esteem. 

Self-worth, on the other hand, is more intrinsic to the individual. It is how the individual perceives. Individuals with high self-worth tend to be more resilient and able to handle the challenges life throws at them. They have confidence that they can overcome those challenges and that life's problems will not get the better of them. People with high self-worth also feel a strong sense of love and belonging. Feeling worthy of other people helps us understand that we are worthy human beings. 

Let's get back to that original statement. "You don't have any self-respect." Everyone has varying degrees of self-respect. In fact, self-respect, self-esteem, and self-worth are all variable. I do struggle with low self-esteem because I lack the support I need from others. Self-esteem is both internal and external to ourselves. If the people around you don't provide positive support and encouragement, then it's more challenging for you to develop that in yourself.

I do have a high sense of self-worth when it comes to problem-solving. I am very resilient and have confidence that I can handle most of life's problems. I believe that because I have demonstrated to myself and others that I can, in fact, do just that multiple times over. However, when it comes to love and belonging, I do not have high self-worth because that is internal and external to ourselves. When someone acts like you aren't good enough to spend time with in public, makes excuses not to contact you, or refuses to accept you unless you "act right," that doesn't provide a very high sense of self-worth. When others love and accept you, you learn to love and accept yourself.